Dear Tracey

Today is the 5th anniversary of your death. I can’t pinpoint if it feels like a long time has passed, or if it feels like it was just yesterday. I for sure can’t wrap my brain around the events of my own life in the past five years but I have a very vivid recollection of standing in the cemetery the day we buried you. I was still angry at you then, for dying.

I talk to you sometimes, I’m not sure if you hear me or not. I’m not so happy these days, friend, and I’m sure it seems inclement for me to say that I wish we could switch places. I can’t seem to get this existence right and I think you probably could. I’m sorry I can’t make that happen.

I stopped by to see your dad and brother a couple of months ago. I was visiting Sarah, Kate and Erin and I made them drive through town so we could drive by your house. Your dad and brother were in the driveway and I made Sarah turn around and go back. When we pulled in they looked very confused, obviously having no idea who it was. But when the three of us piled out of the car they looked happy to see us, and a little sad too. I’m sure seeing us makes them think of you.

Oh – Todd is still hot.

I’m really lost, Tracey, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know it doesn’t do any good to look back, and I know having regrets is useless. Still, I’m having a hard time looking forward. Having a hard time feeling like there even is a forward. I’d give just about anything to go back to the days of Betty Lou and her new pair of shoes.

Shit, we used to laugh at that. I miss those really hearty, full bellied laughs that made our eyes water. I look forward to laughing like that again.

I hope where ever you are there is laughter like that for eternity.

I miss you. I love you, friend.



4 Responses to “Dear Tracey”

  1. 1 Michael July 29, 2008 at 3:24 pm

    This is a lovely tribute. It must have been very painful for you. A childhood friend?

  2. 2 Amyella July 29, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    Thanks, Michael. Yes, a childhood friend. You can read more about Tracey here:
    or use “The Herd” category to read about all the girls.

  3. 3 Michael July 29, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    Read all the “buddy” posts. She seemd like a great person. How sad. What happened? (Don’t answer if that’s too private.)

  4. 4 amyella July 29, 2008 at 6:18 pm

    She went to bed one night and never woke up. I’ll leave it at that…

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Amyella (pronounced Amy-ella) is a pseudonym for Amy Levitt, a fitness and health food fanatic and a beach girl at heart. She has been sharing her sometimes nonsensical thoughts and self-amusing stories online since 2002 and currently spends a good deal of her time wrangling her 90 pound Rottweiler and 60 pound Boxer. Which is quite a show.
The origin of the name Amyella.

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